cammieinblack

all the fears are coming back

2005-10-24T16:09:00.000+08:00

time : 409 pm

I m gettin ready to over his place. . knowin that he doesnt wan me der. I need to go. . i need to do this. .for me for him.

I dunno why. . all my fears are haunting me again. .

I noe he's upset. .he's unhappy. . Was it becuz he remembered the past? the nite at momo? Was it becuz i sounded hostile online? sounded as if i didnt care n didnt wan him to come over? I dunnoe. . mayb i shld b more active on msn juz now. . or mayb i should have called him n hurry him 2 come over. . cuz he intented to come. .but just that i give him e impression tt i was hack care?

I was looking forward to see him 2dae..spend e day at my room..den head somewher for dinner n send him home. .

Wanted to spend e evenin a beach. .snuggle wit him. . Yesterdae was jus our 10 months

but i dunnoe now. . all the unassuarnce is comin back to me. . n perhaps to him again too. .

I m feelin e pain, cant mk it go away. .

Mayb he's right...it has always been mi. . im in pain. .im sad...wad abt him?

I dunnoe how i can show that ive learn alot from this grave mistake. .

i dunnoe how i can show him ive seen the entire thing from his point of view

Learn to see things much clearer from this pt of view

i dunnoe how to show him that i m really changing. .

I am willing to give up my social life. . willing to be the upmost girlfriend. .

willing to be at his call n beck. .

Ive made so many plans...so many things i wana change. . wana just isolate myself wit jus sim and my girlfwens. .

Against All Odds - Mariah

2005-10-21T16:24:00.000+08:00

How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking
Every breath with you
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
Cause there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to
Remind me
Just a memory of your face
So take a look at me now
'Cause there’s just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against
the odds
And that’s what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There’s so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
'Cause there’s just an empty space
And there nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now
'Cause there’s just an empty space
But to wait for you is
All I can do
And that’s what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now
'Cause I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
That’s the chance I've got to take

Take a look at me now.

Love Takes Time - Mariah

2005-10-21T16:21:00.000+08:00

I had it all, but I let it slip away
Couldn't see I treated you wrong
Now I wander around, feeling down and cold
Trying to believe that you're gone

Love takes time
To heal when you're hurting so much
Couldn't see that I was blind
To let you go
I can't escape the pain inside
'Cuz love takes time
I don't wanna be here
I don't wanna be here alone

Losing my mind from this hollow in my heart
Suddenly I'm so incomplete
Lord I'm needing you now
Tell me how to stop the rain
Tears are falling down endlessly

Love takes time
To heal when you're hurting so much
Couldn't see that I was blind
To let you go
I can't escape the pain inside
'Cuz love takes time
I don't wanna be here
I don't wanna be here, alone

You might say that it's over
You might say that you don't care
You might say you don't miss me
You don't need me
But I know that you do
And I feel that you do inside

Love takes time
To heal when you're hurting so much
Couldn't see that I, I was so blind
To let you go
I can't escape the pain inside
'Cuz love takes time
And I don't wanna be there
I don't wanna be there, alone

All or Nothing, Against All Odds, Love Takes Time

2005-10-21T16:08:00.000+08:00

Its 355pm.. couldn’t study no more… listening to all the new songs ive downloaded.

Felt the ‘pang’ in my chest. .listening to o-town. .all or nothing. .i get the message. .

I wana tell him

i;m here..u got the best of me.. .
i will give u all.. Its now.. Yes it all…
i have room for you in my life…

Now he got ur own Ares. .Im one step further from him..one less excuse for me to tok to u him online on msn. .

I’m no longer his music store. .

Less 1 item to cater to him. .

One step further. .

Its so sad. .feel as if he r removin bits and pieces of me in his life. . I'm clingin unto everything. .dun wan things to change. . i noe its all wrong doing that leads to all these. .i noe. .

he coming back to me is against all odds

And that’s what I've got to face

That’s the chance I've got to take. .

I wish I could just make him turn around

Turn around and see me cry

There’s so much I need to say to him

So many reasons why

He's the only one

Who really knew me at all

. . i really wish i could turn back time. . i nv begg anyone. .any body. . but i really wish i could go on my knees and begg. .for time to turn back. .i dun wan anything. . i juz wan him back . .

Wana just do that in front of him. .but i noe. .its useless. .I jus hope later .I get the car and can meet him. . cuz i really wana see him...

A brand new blog once again...

2005-10-21T16:02:00.000+08:00

Ive decided to dedicate this blog to KJ. .

Dunnoe if he still read my blog. .

I want to put all the letters ive type to him here. . .

Mayb One day he'll noe that what ive said are not juz words. .not juz plain words. .

I noe he's tired of hearin my talks. .to him those are just words. .

I just hope one day. .he'll get to read all these. .n really feel those words. .

Time : 1237Pm

Just put down the phone with you. The heavy feeling came back again. . i thought the batam trip would help me or least help us a little. Maybe i expected too much… When was talking to you on the msn. .could sense your unhappiness. Could it be you thought of the past again?! Your mood isn’t that good.. i can tell… i wana make u feel better… wana..do something..but i guess i might just make things worst.

I called you..hoping to sorta of talk u to meetin me tonight..as i might get the car. I really wan you to be the 1st to sit next to me when i drive. But i could sense ur anger. .i didn’t dare to talk much…maybe i should ought to give u a lil breathin space. I keep telling myself..i should give you space…why am i always wana meet u every single dae?! I remembered what you’ve said before..things are different and will be different…Maybe this is the difference…and somehow i couldn’t take it… i keep wanting things ti turn back like before…Or maybe i should give you more time…N i think i should and i ought to.

Tell myself to stop thinking of things and study…Ya.. i should study…and den…maybe sleep…tonight can stay up with you…I feel that perhaps ya not very happy that i am sleep early…Are you? I wonder…

3days in batam… thou the 2 nights didn’t turn out well.. but i’m still happy. I told myself i wana make u have a memorable 3 days in Batam.. hoping to turn things around for the better. I dunnoe how to tell you…but i really love you… and i am sorry for all the things ive done to hurt you. I am willing to take all these…n i will stand by you till the day u lose feelings for me…cuz i noe i wun…u mite say that these are all words..but never in my life i felt this way before…you’re the love of my life…and yaa…Now i can truly understand whats e meaning of true love…and the meaning…of Love is Blind..

I am feeling better oready..after typing out this letter…i dun tink i eva want to send it to you…you’re gonna tink is words again..which it hurts to noe…cuz….yaa it really meant sumthing. Ya… I sewed a D.B.Girl on ur orange boxers…means Dragon Boat Girl.. I hope u wont b mad… cuz e boxers is urs after all..but i kinda added a lil stich on it…=)

i cant seems to do anything

2005-09-27T06:02:00.000+08:00

6am. . .haven been sleepin. . .exhausted. .cant stop thinkin. .

this feelin is driving me insane. .its all coming back. .

Gonna screw 2dae paper. . fuck it. .

With shiwan and michelle yest. .was a blessing. .

I really thank dem for their concern. .and wit dem. . all these heavy hearted

feelings are pushed aside. .

Couldnt imagine w/o dem. .Thank you. .

i really need u guys

2005-09-12T22:06:00.000+08:00

Had a great day with jacelyn 2dae!!

After sch wen to meet jasmine n jacelyn...had lunch...lagsanea...hehe jacelyn made it! The theme was..erm...Vegetables?! haha Had the japanses mushroom...had mini corns...brocoli..corliflour (wad e hell dunnoe how 2 spell)..celery...basically all veges!! haha yaaa cant believe jace made it brought it over to jas work place.. n guess wad..she put in aluminium and was actually plannin 2 mircowave it!! haha..wen we threw it into the mircowave..there was sparks!! haha scary ballz.. but yaa..in e end we use the company's plate...-cheap skate-

yup..lunch was free n yup..of course the company..was yaa..its been long..
yaa..had a great tym..least i dun haf to keep thinkin...

However..thinkin didnt escape me...After lunch.. mi n jace headed 2 her place.. n thats when everything comes back...sighh....

i've been thinkin about him...hp no batt..cant charge...didnt manage 2 contact him...thou i msg him earlier wit jace's hp.. he got no replies at all...how sad...

tried to go online serveral times... but his no online...sighh...

I would say jace tried her best to acc mi n all...we had dinner...vege maggie mee!! haha!! was good la...i m glad i have her....thank you....

2005-09-12T12:12:00.000+08:00

After lesson

Called him...but sounded hostile and hanged the fone quickly.

Pretty much obvious he doesnt want to meet. Dun even wish to tok to me. . dun even want to sms mi. . .

Such a drastic actions and change in attitude comparing from yest to today.

Feelin tis compressed emotions and have no idea what to do next.

I tell myself to b cool and i m gonna b cool...

Feel like a punchin bag.

Monday

2005-09-12T09:40:00.000+08:00

Felt the heartache wen i read today's papers. Animal Abuse. Showed this picture of a brutally abuse poodle. Wonder how can anyone be so mean and heartless to torture a poor dog. I looked at my INU and gave his a big tight hug..kissed its forehead and somehow cant bear to leave him.. was contemplating to leave hme for sch.

Somehow yesterdae was good...till the nite. Have no idea what went wrong or should i say what exactly have i done. He came over to my place yest evening and stayed for a couple of hours. Felt really guilty , knowing that he has an exam todae yet i sorta "asked" him to come over. During that couple of hours it felt that it was all worth while. However after that, kinda regret cuz somehow i noe he's not excatly happy. I wondered if he didnt come over..wouldnt everything b okay? i dunnoe..i didnt want to tink so much about it, i wished him nites and head off to bed.

He called mi at 2am. I was asleep and had no idea that he called and that i had actually picked it up. 415am i woke up n read the msg, "sorry to wake you up. didnt realise that you didnt want to tok" i had no idea what did i say when he called at 2am. Did i say sumthing wrong? i dunnoe. . .

I didnt want to talk?

When he's cold after he left my place..when he didnt pick my numerous call and didnt call mi back?

I msged him this morning...I dun even noe if we're gonna meet. but ya.. i shall juz wait for his msg...

Productive Thurs

2005-09-09T00:18:00.000+08:00

Today had a productive day.

Completed my econs revision from chapter 1 to 4 and 5 & 6 i am pretty much revised before. Studied wit him at Yew Tee Lim Bang Mac der..reached der about 3+ and we left about 630? yeapp... was good..smoked..studies...ate...haha...

Hmmmmm...tmr he have 2 papers...gonna b pretty taxing.. I got accounting lesson tmr.. 2-5...after tt meetin him mayb for movie...dinner.. n all... He end at 4 thou.. i end at 5... n he's not waiting fer mi!! (boo hooo!!!) Oh Well.. cant expect him 2 wait stupidly for 1hr after his long day of exams...hehe.. i shall b nice!

Ya...had a gr8 tym at mac 2dae...In between e serious studys n all we had our mini winks , mini talks and mini "fights". HA! i manage 2 pull his slippers out n throw it ! hehehe

Ya...den i left yew tee at 7 plus...took train all da way home...nothing special..was tired..slept abit here n der..got hme 9plus..

Yup..Met Joanna online n ya..heard tt she n Ling is goin thru e seperation and giving each other breather period. Meanwhile Joanna oso have another 2 girls on hand! GOD...haha flirty ASS! but oh well..as long she;s happy..whu cares?!

Ya..Kj sent mi alot of his old pictures...hmmm yeaa...look bengish all...soccerish..haha yaaa..but still e same face n all.
He asked mi..will i like him back then. You know.. i might...whu knows?
Well for him is a straight no. Was hurting...but yaa...kinda true.
Till now i still have some sort of inferior complex shit.
Cuz i was once yunnoe.
Ya after all e slimmin shits n everything...i finally became wad i m now...thou not as perfect but..ya.
Its kinda sad to know tt somehow some ppl will nv accept e way u r be4.. but only now when u r sexy n hot n shitz. Well.. i mean somehow i noe kj is kinda like tt...but isnt everyone? hmmmm...Well..if its 4 mi..i guess i'l prob have e same thinkin as well..damm bitch but ya.

Oh well...i juz noe tt i dun eva wana b back e old cammie...wana keep changin 4 the better..N i thing i noe 4 sure.. only my girlfriends..will always see mi as e same old cammie back in pri/sec sch. .^.^ Thou outershell has beautified...but e inner mi...has always been e same...^.^

2005-09-06T07:40:00.000+08:00

god...didnt sleep a wink. . amazed by myself. . =.=

now is 740am.. suppose 2 leave my hse ard 815-830 ...better not lie on e bed... freakin temptin..

Had a good tok wit him last nite... i tink it sorta cleared alot of things. Hope things will turn out better.

i still hope i get 2 see him later. .

I feel like killing myself

2005-09-05T23:00:00.000+08:00

AHHH I CANT BELIEVE I SPOILT E DAE!

2dae everything was so perfect... i jux had 2 spoilt it by sleep takin wit him on e fone....haizzzz

Feelin like killin myself.... now he's angry....

I had 2 make him angry again. . .-sobz-

Now i fully awake... gonna mk it up... gonna stay up...till he comes online...
gonna call later too...to least prove my sincerity all. .

I'm really hate myself...always have this habit of sleep while on e fone... but i dun wana put dwn...cuz i....juz..........

Today i was really happy...happy 2 see him...
Happy to see him happy wit mi...
Happy to hear him tt he missed mi...
i juz wana mk full use of my tym till i sleep.. wana spend everytym i hav wit him

I guess i sent all e wrong signs...
Gave him e impression he's boring..
That he's my storyteller....

No... i nv tk tt into advantage.. W
Why cant he think tt i juz wana spend my every remaindin tym wit him...even on e fone..

I'm so hate myself...Just when i tink everything is okay... i have to spoil it...

I wonder now...will he b mad till he doesnt wana mit tmr?

I cant believe i juz done it again.

Beautiful Monday From Him

2005-09-05T11:37:00.000+08:00

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM....2dae feels great....now having this dreading computing lesson... but still not gonna let his lec tamper my mood!

I was lazy todae..v tempted not to get up by wen the alarm set off at 730am.
Hmmm..woke up...thikin of what to do...shld i do my account assignment? nahhhh
haha Lazy 2 bring e heavy bk...prob gonna do it at hme 2nite. I hurriedly packed my bag ..throw in my tannin stuff (incase weather is good..den mayb can dip into e pool..fer awhile)

Sigbh...i"ve been doin everything except payin attn to the lecturer...haha..was browsin thru Sng's blog..Zing's and Angele's too...Wooo...seems like everyone is moving on gr8. N ya...didnt knew Sng pierced her Naval..haha GO GIRL!

Ya...goin sch 2 2dae..ls like a reminder system...Sch mates murmuring about Assignments Dates Due...Test Dates alll...ahhh how can i 4get! Next Wed got Test.. n Fri got Assignment Due Date...Better Start pullin my socks man!!

Ya..got a msg from him...it was simple n sweet.

MMMMMM...i've missed him....Told myself..to let him have this tym to study. Gonna knock some sense *HIT* *cammie dun b a bugger. Let him study 4 god sakes..PPLE GOT EXAMS!!*

Ya...i'll juz probably wait...hee..for him to have his "break from studyin" n mayb can meet for a snack or two. .

Angele Enlightenment

2005-09-04T21:45:00.000+08:00

Had a chat wit Angele

i've realise alot of things....she had enlightened mi.

I'm happy for her that she's found her soulmate. . Ian.
Somehow i m kinda cheered up by her happiness...Its written all over her..
I'm lookin forward to meet Ian..

Thank you Angele.

vague

2005-09-04T12:58:00.000+08:00

juz now mi n him had a sms conversation...I juz knew somehow there is sumthing wrong.. i cannot point it out...N he's not telling....

Out of e blue he mention tuition...was he actually meaning the tuition person? if he's throwin all these becuz of a tuition calling...den.....i dunnoe man...what has it got 2 link wit him in e 1st place? was has it got to link wit our relationship..??

i dunnoe....tryin v hard not 2 tink....gonna follow mama out. ....gonna go out n breathe some fresh air...gonna tell myself everything is gonna b alrite...dun bother....its time i shld stop botherin......stop being so foolish....

everything thing seems e happening over n over again

2005-09-04T10:28:00.000+08:00

Got up this morning... everythings was not goin well already..

His mood...His attitude....i really dunnoe what he wan.

Wanted to meet n study after his soccer..den he decided not to go..

Asked if he wana meet n study..he doesnt wan.

asked if wana meet at mac n what tym ..

SMS "anytime. Dun feel like studyin already:)No mood."

Juz like tt. .i knew he doesnt wan mi to go over n all..

I m pretty much fine if he feels he wan a day alone or sumthing.. but he way he put it its rather crude.

i'm really dunnoe what to do ah. I'll juz let e decision up to him.. i told him..if he wana meet juz sms or call... if he dun..den....

b4 i put e fone dwn.. i said..so anything drop mi a sms or call. He said...what for?
haa...now tink about it.. aint i stupid? stupid enuff actually..hope for him to call?

whats wrong wit me...i m hurt down here..but i cant cry...juz...a heavy feeling...mayb later shall meet up wit my fwens to least lighten up the feeling...

Sick. .V sick. .

2005-09-02T10:17:00.000+08:00

Now i m gettin ready to meet my baby at Woodlands Library to study. .

Yesterday was a freakin rough day for me but my baby was there for me. -smile-

Ya...yesterdae mornin n noon my stomach and gastric got into a pretty bad shape. I was in pain practically the whole dae. Couldnt eat much..juz keep poppin medicine into my mouth..hopin that e pain can be erased stright away.

Noon tym i couldnt tk it. .my mum came hme frm work and send mi 2 e clinic at Haig Rd. 1/2 the tym i was bending 90 degrees...was in terrible condition. Doctor said i had gastric and instestine FLU! WTF!!! Seems like i'm gettin worst each DAE!!

After doc. . i wen straight home..n shortly my baby came.

In my room..he was doin his work...while i sleep. I felt really bad...makin him come n all i did was sleep. I really felt like a brat.

When i woke up..i saw my baby infront of my labtop...he was lookin..unhappy...all his frowns...i dunnoe whats wrong.. i wished he could tell me. I kept askin.. but all he did was smile hopein 2 push my doubts away. Somehow.. i knew something is wrong.. is a girl's 6th sense... Even wen he left... he took a bus home..he didnt msg nor call wen he;s home...which he normally wld do. Mayb i m sensitive.. but i keep tellin myself.."he came n accompanied u e whole noon what else u're askin?"
I dunnoe.. i juz wan my baby 2 b happy... n if i m e cause of his unhappiness.. i wana mk it up..least..let mi do sumthing.

Definitely seein him made mi feel better...mentally.. but physcially..i'm still in pain.

Called him when he's home.. i noe he's somehow still unhappy..or sumthing.. i couldn't pint point out...but i hope 1 day he'll tell mi. I'm kinda scared..like is he bored of me? Is he seeing some1 else? I noe its kinda stupid.. but yest wen he's over in my room...he's fone kept ringing.. n wen i asked him bout it..he juz...remain slience.

Unassurance stepped in but I tell myself...its no big deal..dun persue...dun jump into any stupid conclusion...

This morning i didnt manage to catch a proper sleep..due to my stomach.. n i conclude sumthing...was becuz of e medication i took...be4 i sleep.. god.. my stomach kept rumbling and kept visitin e toilet. Got fedup...i camp outside the toilet till bout 3-4am.. i head back my room n sleep...soundly.....

8am i woke up...could'nt sleep anymore..but somehow i;m relief cuz der's no more pain...yay!!!! N I M NOT GONNA TK ANYMORE MEDICINE! makin mi feel fuckin worst!
And i m all ready 2 go out...gonna study wit my baby... not gonna go sch...heee..dun wan ahh..no fit enuff 2 sit in e lec room..but..hehe i wana see him....but somehow he seem reluctant......Try not to tink too much....mayb he's juz not in e mood.....

Thou itz juz a few hours...but ive missed..him..

Tiring Day Yesterdae

2005-09-01T10:24:00.000+08:00

back home now... lying on my stomach cuz havin a bad tummy ache this morning.
Keep wakin up... 3 am 4 am 5 am...got v bad stomach ache..keep visitin e toilet..even my arse is sore...

Wanted badly 2 call my mum..but think twice.. She sorta had a rough nite wit mi...dun wana bother her anymore..shall bear till mornin..when she's awake.. It was really suffering...

Last nite..i went 2 raffles hospital at 9-10pm.

I was shakin all over...limbs are all numbed...wasnt really mobile. Keep in breathin heavily...havin chest pain.

I was shocked n scared. All i wanted is 2 go home.
But i was so much in pain tt..kj wanted mi 2 go hospital straight away.

Was sent to ER room..Lyin on tt clean white sheets...e thought of needles is already makin me quesy. Kinda ironic...havin piercings yet im scared of needles..or shld i sae injections. Ya...was feelin pain all over..tryin to control n not cry...

He was der all e while...and I needed him...He's on mind....keep mi distracted from all e pain. He held my hand...he kissed my forehead..he was standin at e door lookin out 4 mi...it was really sweet...Felt loved..thinkin all these..tears r formin..

Think back on what happen e very afternoon...everything was total ridiculous.
But i was really upset.. n been cryin in e morning..on my way 2 sch..even my klassmates knew i was in bad shape. Eyes were swellin..After sch..cried too...
Even till i meet him...i cried...couldnt control my tears...
Mayb like wad winnie said" 1 day u'll b numb..n u wun cry anymore..it will come"
i hope 4 tt day...

At 12+am..my mum came 2 the hospital..n picked mi up wit my dad...Was hestitant 2 call dem in e 1st place. i knew my mum will b mad...knew she'll scold. But its 12 oready...better call else...]

Called...got scolded terribly..expected...However deep dwn i hope my mum will b more concern..n not scold me. She was mean.she was harsh.n it hurts. Controllin..tryin hjard not 2 cry..

I had a dip of Sodium Chloride, given jabs to relief e stress and relax. Slowly.. i stop heavy breathin n slowly e pain go away. I got my blood taken 4 examination too..had a blood gas examination as well. And all cost 320 bucks! Daylight robbery!

Im gald all is over. I dare not tell kj nor doc tt all this might b caused by smokin too much n at e same time..cryin too hard...somehow i knew...winnie had e same experience....

Unexpected morning. .

2005-08-31T10:58:00.000+08:00

Juz put down e fone. . feelin sad. . wised i could stop the tears .

i didn expect my playfulness will lead to pissin him off.

I didnt expect my playfulness will lead to him not wanting to meet mi. .
my ignorance had lead to this.

i wish i had a list or a guidelines of CAN DO n CANT DO.

At least i noe wen i made a mistake. . and things i not suppose to do.

I suggested to meet him at his place after or be4 his swimmin. .

He said he "i dont wan"

Why cant he rephrase it , say "too far for u" or " Its troublesome for u".

If its the other way round. .i wonder how would he react. .

Will he b hurt? or angry?

Yesterday was so fine. .Yet e start of 2dae turn out this way.

First he was angry tt i sms too much n didnt call. .

wen i call. . he insisted tt we continue to sms n end e call.

After that he got angry sayin tt i knowin he's goin back 2 sleep yet still sms him.

All my morning sms. . might b annoying (e crappy and funny way). My intention is to let him smile or grin wen he sees my sms in e morning. Cuz thats how i feel wen i see his sms. Those stupid and annoying ones made mi smile. . But i didnt expect to chise him off. .

I m always makin e wrong move. .why. . i really wish theres a guide 4 mi. . .

Now what should i do?

Will he meet mi later?

Will he sms?

Will he call?

Should i sms? or shall i wait till he does? what if my sms piss him off again?

What should i do?

Mayb he is feelin moody. .mayb later everything will b fine....i hope....

2005-08-29T10:32:00.000+08:00

i'm in computing class again...goin on n on about broadband, baseband blah blah...boring!!! Ya. . gonna blog again. .

Sorry Angele. . for putting ur airplane yesterday. . i;m sorry. . pls dun b angry. .

Ya. . i met him 2dae for sch. Waited for him at his blk dnwstairs. .2dae on my way 2 sch. . i had flashbacks abt mi n him. Those days wher we're playin in my room. . wen he put mi on his shoulders n swing mi ard. .those times when he piggy back mi n when he toss mi ard. . hee i couldnt stop smiling. . ya. . wen i see him 2dae. . he planted his 1st kiss on my forehead. .

Thatt was sweet. .it made my day.

Feltlike a lil girl flufferin over her new candy. . hee

okay yet not okay. . dunnoe

2005-08-27T22:23:00.000+08:00

Today. . i wld say is kinda of a good yet not good day. Well. .basically didnt went the way i planned but i kinda turned out okay.

2dae i was all plannin and excited to meet him for suntannin trip 2 sentosa after his soccer match. I was up real early. . did abit of my accountin work and after that had ample time to laze ard till 1. (mk my way to meer him) He send mi his cute pic thru mms just be4 soccer. It was really sweet. .couldnt stop thinkin bout it after that. and for tt moment . . i missed him.

After at 1, due to unforeseen circumstances, his soccer match got delayed and the sentosa trip is off. I was disappointed. I noe its not his fault and all but i cant help feelin disappointed. However i wen on tannnin myself at Redhill Swimmin Pool (its near his match). was reeally very keen to get myself tann back cuz i look like a freak in e fair disgusting white skin. Told myself to go ahead n tann n at the same time wait for him rather than sulk at home.

Tanning at Red Hill. . was not bad actually. V quiet and the sun is really powerful.
I took my own swweet tym to travel der n tann. Reached der at 115. .and started tannin till 245. I got really bored and sat at e nearby tables and wait for him. I started to feel lonely and all. Dunnoe why. I drop him a msg. .hintin him to hurry. and ya he came earlier than i expected(which is good).

Had a fun wit him at the pool. playing ard and everything. was full plannin 2 watch RED EYE wit him. However. . he got call to henderson police station due to the fight before during soccer. Luckily i didnt book the movie tix. I wasnt disappointed nor angry for the 2nd cancellation of plans whereas i was worried. Scared tat he might get into trouble. Waited from 4 till 6 +. Luckily everything was settled. nothing major.

After tt we left for tiong bahru to have our dinner. I was feelin unwell n all. . dunnoe why. .Was v hungry but wen i reached e FC everything seems unappealing to me. Wanted to hav salad thou but too troublesome. Had something light and den we head off hme. (yay! he send mi hme! ^.^)

On e way home. . i noe he was feelin bad for spoillin the day. I wasnt angry n everything. . i dun wan him to apologise. . i juz wan him to b okay. . and ya make it up to me another day. I guess i was kinda moodless on the bus way home. . n he's tryin his best to pacify me. .but guess tt crossed his line and half way he wanted to leave. I was surprise by his reaction. Why wld he wana leave? N den tt knock me out of my moodless and i tried to mk up for my bad behaviour. N everything wen okay. . all the way home.

But. .yet. .today ended on a cold tone. We were v quiet on the fone. . n wen i tried to tok more. .seems as if it gets worst each time. Haiz. .really dun wana end e day wit such a feeling. Our last conversation goes like this :

him:"since u got nothing to say den we put dwn "
me :" aahhhhhhhhh why dun we tok abit longer?"
him:"i tired" (wen he said juz be4 he's okay)
me :" aaaaaa...abit longer?"
him :"thats wad u wan, wad bout mi?"

and den we said goodbye and he hung up quickly

I was shocked by his words. . shot right thru me. i was hurt. made it seems as if i always neglete his feelings and all. i badly wana msg him after tt. . but decided not to. .Hav his feelin tt my msg is gonna piss him off even more. .
i dunnoe. . mayb he's tired. . but why cant he b nicer wit his words?
He said he is feelin bad 4 2dae. .but why are his words like tt?
i told myself. .he's had a long day. . i shld juz stay away. .for 2nite. . mayb tmr will b better (i hope). I dun even noe tmr what r e plans. I keep tellin him i wana do this n tt. .but i feel no enthusiasim from him. I dunnoe r we meetin. .or will it b like other sundays wher he decided not to meet. i dunnoe. .

8th month

2005-08-22T21:52:00.000+08:00

its 2 hrs to my 8th month anniversary.

this whole 8 months of relationship has been a rolla coaster ride for me.

From an unexpected club meetin
to a 3 day scandal
to a 8 months relationship

I was being put thru tough and unbearable times. And so has he.

Yet there were times of joy that always linger.

Those laughters , kisses, hugs n tugs, lil squabbles, callin each other names, outragous funs and many more.

There were also cries and quarrels. Yet i believe that they bonds mi n him closer.

I will always hold on to 3 things he said.
1. He told mi i was the most impt girl (thou he was drunk.)
2. He told mi that he loves me
3. He told mi that i was 10 times better than someother.

I'm glad that i had met someone that changed my life.

Happy 8th month baby. .

back to normal. .

2005-08-22T10:43:00.000+08:00

This long computing lecture is driving me to my snooze grave. . god. . cant wait for it to end. .Well. .haven been updatin on this blog. .sorry. .too many things happened n all. .all e internal shitz. .Have no idea how glad i m that this so call 'depression' is over.

E weekend turn out better that ive expected.. Mi and Him. . .

1) we catch e maid 2gather . . wasnt as scary as i thought thou. . but he kept chanting ard my ear . .Then at nite. .his chants kept running thru my mind. . such an ass. .

2) We played pool. .i was awfully bad. Totally embarassing. .but was gr8. I recalled, he hug mi frm behind n kissed me. .tt was sweet.

3) we kbox together. .was not too bad. . first tym heard him sing. .hee...-giggle-

4) Watched soccer togather. Was kinda fun actually to b frank. We were watchin wit his fwens at PS area, 3 guys and 2 girls. 1 of e girl look like my sp mate. . well tts not e pt. Ya. .we watched e entire match of ManU vs Aston Villa (dun noe how 2 spell) SCORE > 1 : 0. Yup. . was tokin 2 his fwen too and he mention something tt eva crossed my mind. i quote "She wans mi 24/7 wit her!...blah blah blah" yup. . Did eva cross my mind tt i might b too glue-y wit kj. Truely. . i wouldnt mind spending 24/7 wit kj. .but does he? hmmm...its always right tt each person shld b given thier own free space. I believe in tt. .but yet. . haha Ironic.

Mayb i shld listen 2 jace n jasmine. .advice. . .gif him a lil space. . But i wonder. . m i not giving him space? hmmmmm. . oh well. . i m meetin him later again. .dun really wana care bout tym n space now. . ^.^

Till den. . .

ps(his fwen commented tt mi n him r such a lovely couple. .-smile-)

its fading. .

2005-08-18T09:22:00.000+08:00

Yesterday

Things wen well wen i met him in sch at 12. only left 1 hr b4 we haf e part again. i haf no intention to even go sch yest. . but after a talk wit jace n after he called. .i decided to go. I wanted to tell him tt. .but afraid tt he might tinks that i m being funny not goin 4 lecs all.
He waited for me till 5. . n due to poor network system and low batt of his hp. .he left mi waiting from 510 to 540. He left. He took a cab home wit him fwen. .leavin mi at his sch bustop to wait. I was suppose to feel angry. . but i felt hurt. how could he leave his gf der? i couldnt understand why. I took a cab to his place.
Called jace on e cab. .hopefully she might do her wonderful job at calming mi down. .before i scare to cab driver.
Reached his place. . waiting for him at his block. .he came dwn. .lookin att natural. .n juz merely apologized. i told myself. .dun kick e bigg fuss...let it b. . im juz happy to see him.

give up. . .

2005-08-17T09:52:00.000+08:00

last ntie e entire conversation.. i was practically beggin him 2 mit me todae...why? why do i stood so low? woke up today. .freshen up. .told myself to b strong. .leats have some pride. . if he doesnt wan to meet. .juz leave it. . not gonna be msgin him more. . since he doesnt appreciate it. .mayb this relationship is fallin apart. .but why shld i b e only one supporting it? i shld start packin my life wit other people. .shld let myself move on. .not dwell n stick onto him. .like a leach. . . . .

2005-08-16T22:16:00.000+08:00

i called him. . he sounded so cold. . so unbothered. . not even a single word of concern. . Mayb to him i m like a small kid..seekin attention....mayb i am... but i m not askin much. .what i m goin thru today..is no big deal...but after everything.. i hope to hear a lil word of concern. .He showed nothing. .why. . feel so stupid. . i was lookin forward to tell him wad was goin thru mi e entire day...how much i missed his prescence..thou was juz a day....He didnt even msg... nor call..nothing. . kept checkin my hp like a stupid fool...why...Why do can i only pour out thru this cold fujitsu screen. . why am i cryin. .why cant i stop. . i really hate 2dae.......

finding myself

2005-08-16T20:46:00.000+08:00

just got home from aimless journey ard singapore. dunnoe why am i behaving like this.
today is just a really lbow day for me. i just cant seems to get this heavy feelin off my chest. dun really know whats wrong wit me. .today everything seems so gray. the only time i see color was when i met kejang for 45 mins at sim. wished it could last longer. . wanted to send him home. . but he didnt want. guess he felt bad makin me travel ard. but i badly wanted to see him. badly wanted him ard. . wished his goodbye hug could last longer. .i knew my fwens are not free 2dae. i turn jace dwn. .and i cant possibly call jace out again as she had new plans. my sim mates are all headin to gotham penthse for my uni bash but dunnoe why just doesnt perk mi a slightest bit. whats wrong with me i wonder. got home after sch, layed on my bed. .and just started tearin. . slowly. .cryin. .Nothing happened. . but why i m crying. . i dunnoe. .really wanted to leave my hse. .but promised to call kejang . .waited. . 5. .6. .kept tearin. .Tell myself to get a hold of myself. . grab my bag and leave home. .not sure where i wana go just wana get out of this hse. .not making me feel any better. Kejang called. .and i told him that i wasnt feelin too good and tt i m out on different buses going ard aimlessly. he was furious. i am speechless. he put dwn even sayin goodbye. dunnoe why. .there was no anger nor pain. . i m exhausted. .findin out whats wrong wit me. .and on top of that i have to explain to kejang w/o him gettin angry. i really wish today will go away. . wish time had just stop at the point when i met him. .hope when i call him later he wun b angry and that everything will be fine. .pls. .dun mk today any more difficult for me. . .